From early childhood we gather information from everything around us whether bad or good. Slowly this information develops in to maps which begin to solidify as we reach adolescence and in turn become specific e.g. the body structure, facial build plus the temperament of an ideal lover. The maps vary from one person to another and that’s why we get turned on by different kind of people. For some it’s height, voice, chest, hair, sense of humor, laugh and such. A number of elements combined make someone more attractive than the other. Basically people around our world when young i.e. Parents, sisters, brothers, cousins, uncles, aunts even next door neighbors, for as long as somehow we interact have an impact on our partner choices later on in life. This is because the information we gather at that period originates from them. Unfortunately we not only settle for the positive but also the negative traits and so do we when choosing our partners. At other times we tend to be attracted to people who have passed through similar difficulties or been hurt the same way or at the same stage of our lives. So we subconsciously embark on searching for someone who will sort us out.
According to psychotherapist Dr Haville Hendrix, author of getting the love you want and keeping the love you find, we fall in love with someone who has both the positive and negative traits of our imperfect parents. This explains why we tend to fall in love with men/women who are somehow similar in traits. Such situations can be really confusing if all these relationship tend to end in no time.
Then you begin to wonder; what am I going to do to stop falling in love with men/women who have this and this!
Below is a simple evaluation which should help you:
1. Take a piece of paper and divide it into four columns.
2. Put the name of your ex partner in each and write down:
- How you met
- What he/she looked like?
- What was the first attraction to him/her?
- What you said to each other
- How you spent your early dating time together
3. Think about the first time you noticed that something was wrong. Try and identify the real problem and how the relationship ended
4. Under each ex-partner's name, list all the positive and negative traits. Ranking the entire positive ones in order of your most favorite and on the negative begin with the one you detested most
5. Put a star on the negative traits they have in common and underline the positive traits that are common to all or most of the partners
6. Take another piece of paper and divide it across into half. In the upper part, write all the positive traits in the same order you ranked first and second. Underline any you identify as most common in your partners
7. In the lower part, write down the negative traits again ranked first and second and put a star on those you'll find common
8. This should show the kind of person you are drawn to unconsciously
9. Decide whether you are happy or not and figure out what to do next!